BIG NEWS. I received the most wonderful Christmas present this year. Really, I couldn't have asked for anything that would bring me more joy and contentment. It has simplified my life in a way that nothing else could have.
On Christmas Eve, after Hamburglar and I had put out all the gifts, I started cleaning up the kitchen a bit, and he hauled in a quite large gift and plopped it in the family room. Confused and curious, I asked him what it was.
"A family gift," he replied. Now, this got me a little nervous, because Hamburglar has a long and detailed history of buying 'family gifts' without my knowledge that end up costing what I think is way too much money or are way too indulgent. See, that's how it is in this house. Me, the mean, cheap one. Hamburglar, the big spender. Or something like that.
Anyhow, my interest was piqued, and I looked forward to seeing what treasures awaited the family in the morning.
Well, I was not disappointed. It was the last present of the morning to open. And as the kids tore off the paper, they gleefully exclaimed....
To which, I leaped off my couch where I had planted my arse for a warm winter's nap, and I had to get closer to take a gander.
Hamburglar then proceeded to tell me it was "top-of-the-line," "this baby will never clog,"...the real Nimbus 2000 of toilets. And you know how I love me a good toilet. Finally. A throne fit for this queen.
Oh, how my heart soared. You may recall my plight with the toilets in this house. They are, quite simply--and pun intended--pieces of crap. They flush nothing. They require a special and fine-tuned technique and wrist flick to get the proper flushage. My kids (and in particular, Vid Kid, who must have a colon as wide as a baseball bat) were clogging our downstairs toilet (which is used most often) every. single. day.
Every single day, I would have to go and plunge that damned thing. And every single day I would curse it. Curse it for the vile thing it was. And every single day I would hope, perhaps like Cinderella of old, that someone, somehow would remove me from the misery that life had bestowed upon me. For a life of daily plunging in poopy water is not a life worth living, my friends. No life at all, really.
So you can imagine my joy. I was delirious with anticipation. "Let's get this baby installed and christen it! Let's see if it really works!"
So Hamburglar spent the next hour or so installing it. And then I had to go in and take a look at it. Oh, it was a beauty. So shiny and new. No pee stains. No streaks. Sparkling clean. But with the power and force of a Mustang. No--make that 20 Mustangs! We had a moment--the toilet and I. I promised it that I would take good care of it, if it would take good care of us.
And then we waited--waited for the full christening--until VidKid had to "move something." That was the real test of its strength. And lo and behold, after his business was done--the sound of the flush--was like music to my ears. You see, for the past 2 years, every time a child would go into the bathroom, I would pause and take note and wait for the sound of the powerful flush....but more often than not, it was never there. Instead of a flush, I would get a "MOM!!," and I knew what horrible crime against humanity awaited me.
Now, the work is not done in this house. 3 other low-flow, piece-of-crap toilets still plague me. But--until we can replace those--we have designated our downstairs bathroom as the official CRAPPER. That is the place to do your business. That is the place where the magic happens. To feel the power. To feel the force. Feel free to stop on by and give it a try.
This, my friends, is the gift that just keeps on giving. All. Year. Long. I love it. The best Christmas present EVER.